Friday, December 17, 2010
here are my symptoms:
emotional (and i am not expecting a visit from aunt flow, in fact, she came last week and i was actually in a pleasant mood. which is rare.)
not only am i emotional, but i have had several melt downs (okay, maybe those 2 are the same thing but i don't often have melt downs)
irregular eating habits, hardly an appetite at all
extra anti-social, because we all know i am slightly anti-social to begin with
i want to talk about my feelings... and that's just plain abnormal
here are the possible reasons:
i am "in like" with someone, and our situation is rather complicated and mutual feelings are unknown to me... i hate that part
i spent too much time with too many children (that i love dearly!!!!) and am concerned that i will never have a family of my own that i long for
i was informed of things that make me sad, like selfish choices people have made that they think only affect them but actually affect everyone around them
i think subconsciously i am missing my dad, especially this time of year, i hardly think of how his absence affects my life anymore... i have become numb... it's unhealthy, i know
now that i think of it... it's probably a combination of all of these things -- i feel like my life is going nowhere fast -- and i'm scared
however i am grateful for the supports i have in my life, i'll find a way out of this mess
Friday, November 19, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
nobody gets letters in the mail anymore
unless you're a missionary
or you wrote a missionary
i've been waiting for this letter for about a month
when i got it:
i was so happy i cried, well teared up really
felt 16 again
carefully opened it to find a stack of pictures and a lengthy letter
i love missionaries
especially this one
i'm so proud of him
he's been out six months already
he's serving in new york new york north, spanish speaking!!
and i can't wait to get his next letter
Friday, August 13, 2010
when you are trying to go from "just friends" to "in a relationship" you are automatically dealt into this unspoken GAME. the only rules are "house rules," so inevitably everyone plays a little different, but the objective is the same.
i was recently dealt a hand in the game with a guy from work. he was attractive kind, and clearly interested. i was openly flirtatious and was even teased about it by co-workers.
i met him on the job, obviously a couple of months ago and since our company is fairly large and we all travel we've only worked together a total of 4 or 5 times. the 2nd time we worked together there was obviously some connection of mutual affection, he even talk about us hanging out outside of work that day. i didn't reject the idea but who knew when the next time i would work together with him and he hadn't asked for my number either -- so i would rely on the fate of scheduling to bring us back together.
the anticipation and absence between corresponding schedules heightened my "work crush" on him. eventually we were scheduled to work together twice in one week. we flirted, he mentioned his excitement at seeing our names together on the schedule, we ate lunch together, etc. during this week we were working together on a thursday, the day our schedule is supposed to be posted online and my last day of work for the weekend. the following week of work was also his last week of work because he would be returning to alabama for school the week after that. the full schedule was not posted before we left from work and he again didn't ask for my number... i wasn't sure i would ever see him again. the combination of the unknown and the anticipation of the schedule being posted again heightened my "work crush" on him. all weekend i thought that maybe he'd get my number from someone at work, but very few had it so that being a likely possibility was slim to none.
alas, the schedule is posted and we were scheduled to work together at the chino studio on a wednesday. i get to work that morning full of excitement, but a little off my game, i had a rough morning. he noticed. we decided to grab dinner together after work, marking in our last time working together and our first date. he snagged my digits during the work day and we proceeded to islands after our shifts ended. he was polite and flirtacious, he paid for dinner, and i had a nice time. i wasn't sure if i wanted our date to end after dinner so we ultimately decided to run to b&n because i wanted to grab a book to read. then we sat and talked for a long time. he pretty much professed his love for me and i was unable to. i thought that it was mostly because i'm afraid to talk about my feelings, but i thought it was sweet. i had realized before this time that his like for me was stronger than my like for him... after we said our goodbyes i had a kind of pit in my stomach... our feelings were definitely not mutual and i thought that if i never heard from him i would be A-OK! these were not good feelings to have toward a person that you just had a first date with and sort of led him to believe that you liked him. but i honestly didn't know i didn't like him until after we were apart. i felt like such a jerk!!
i still feel like a jerk, he texts me and i don't text back and i basically threw my hand of cards at him into a game of 52 card pick up...
i know just how he feels, to text and not get a response, i wish he would read into it and give it up, but he's too nice and i'm not so nice -- i tried to tell him that on the phone tonight. it started to sound like he got it, but i dont know...
i like the chase, i like to be chased
i want what i can't have
i don't want what i've got
i don't know if i'll ever be satisfied...
Sunday, July 25, 2010
i've complained about you texting rather than calling
but i miss the buzz buzz of my blackberry with your incoming message
i should just text you
but i'm awfully stubborn
is this some sort of test?
am i passing or failing?
this is what our life will be like for 11 weeks in a few short weeks
i promise i'm going to hate it
i don't think i'll ever complain about you texting instead of calling again
i swear i don't think about it this much when i'm busy
do you think about me when you're bored too?
readers, if there are any, i apologize for all the commentary on this certain someone, i'll try to find something else to talk about next time
Saturday, July 24, 2010
i'm home. alone.
the house is pretty quiet. save the doggies yapping at passerby's.
i've just finished preparing the bulk of my lesson for relief society tomorrow.
i haven't heard from him at all today, but i won't give in to initiating the conversation. this may be the 21st century, but i'm an old fashioned kind of girl.
i don't have plans for this evening.
i could have gone to the beach or "out in LA."
call me anti-social -- i dare you.
my car needs gas. i could use some fuel as well.
here's another article to ponder:
Not caring what other people think has become uncomfortably fashionable. It is an admirable sentiment when expressed by people who work for an honorable but unpopular cause, like civil rights. It carries less weight when you’re on a date with someone who insists on picking her teeth in public.
Having ignored etiquette for most of their lives, freewheeling sorts aren’t quite sure how to make a favorable impression when the time comes. ‘Women make no sense,’ a man sighs after wheedling a woman’s phone number out of her and then finding that she won’t pick up the phone. ‘Men can be such jerks,’ a woman complains when the object of her affection says he’ll talk to her soon and doesn’t call. ‘Dating is a pain! Why can’t everyone just be upfront?’
Because, my love, upfront is painful when you’re on the receiving end. It’s easier to give a persistent fellow your number and ignore a ringing phone than it is to tell him that he’s old enough to be your father.
The alternative to being upfront, or doing what comes naturally, is doing what is expected of you. This is more work, but less solitary. There are guidelines that make courtship and relationships easier for everyone. Let’s review them, shall we?
1. Call only once.
When you’ve first met someone, it is impolite to make more than one attempt to contact him or her without reciprocation. This rule is so widely ignored that you may be incredulous at the suggestion. ‘But, but, but…’ you stammer, ‘What if the message never got passed on? What if the answering machine is broken? Maybe the email program was acting up.’
Yes. However, the most polite way for this person to express disinterest in your amorous attentions is to avoid contact. When you call repeatedly, or send multiple emails, you force the object of your affections to find a more personal, painful way to shake you loose. Like telling you she’s not into skinny guys.
2. If you asked, you pay.
If the date was your idea, it is also your financial responsibility. Ladies, I don’t care what your mother told you about it being the man’s job to pay. She also told you that you were never supposed to ask a man out, so you do the math.
In ambiguous situations, the gentleman traditionally pays. The lady is expected to share expenses by offering to cook meals or pack a picnic. She’s also supposed to express enthusiastic interest in free or inexpensive activities, and find ‘extra tickets’ to concerts and events she’d especially like to attend.
3. Don’t force intimacy.
Note how your date is avoiding eye contact, how he has shredded an entire napkin and is now rearranging the torn bits into ever-shifting shapes. Perhaps the first date was a little soon to share the details of your sex life, how your last boyfriend treated you, and what your therapist thinks about it. Mystery is attractive; your daddy complex is less so.
4. Coo with caution.
Sweet nothings are so named because they contain no startling information. Fantasies about your future together are romantic; fantasies about her best friend in a bikini are not.
5. Even affairs have codes of conduct.
Speaking of that best friend, if you plan to engage in romantic activity outside the bounds of your relationship, it is unacceptable to confide in friends. This puts them in the awkward position of being an accomplice, and jeopardizes your new partner’s anonymity. It is also rude to generate evidence of your tryst in the form of love letters, emails, obviously romantic gifts, or condom wrappers.
6. Guard private information.
You may not publicly complain that your boyfriend doesn’t wear underwear on Sundays. In exchange, he will refrain from revealing that you call him Cowboy when you’re drunk.
7. Be respectful of time.
Check with your significant other before scheduling an event, and don’t ask with interested parties in the room. Presented with, ‘Honey, Mark here would like to know if we want to go out to dinner tonight. Doesn’t that sound fantastic?’ your darling doesn’t have the option of responding, ‘Well, no, actually. I rather dislike Mark.’
8. Don’t use jokes to camouflage rancor.
‘I was joking!’ is never a good defense, as intent is immaterial when it comes to wounded feelings. When he wants a big-screen TV and she reminds him of the night he said size didn’t matter, only he may decide whether the comment is amusing or hurtful.
9. Avoid amorous competition.
It’s improper to express anything but delight at your beloved’s accomplishments, even if you’ve just lost a sailboat race to her.
10. Quaint can be endearing.
A few romantic niceties to help things along: On a sidewalk, men properly walk nearest the street. They follow women to their table at a restaurant (presuming that the host or hostess is showing you to your seat), but precede her in a crowd to clear the way, and take the lead down flights of stairs to act as a pillowy man-cushion if she should trip. They open and close her car door (whether or not she is driving), hold open restaurant doors, and hold out chairs. Advanced chivalries include rising from your seat when a lady stands to powder her nose, slightly raising your hat in greeting on the street, and dueling to the death when someone insults her honor. Perhaps nowadays you can get away with simply slapping the offender with your leather driving gloves. Times are changing.
Obviously, there is no polite way to rummage through someone else’s stuff, yell, curse, slam doors, or throw things. In light of this, a lady does not throw that cheating bastard’s belongings on the front lawn. She places them there, gently, and then forgets to turn off the automatic sprinklers.
And while you’re busy being perfectly polite to each other, remember those around you as well. Don’t assume that your roommates don’t mind having your girlfriend around all the time. Don’t cling to one another at parties as though your friends aren’t worth talking to. Finally, never break an appointment with friends in favor of a date. When you find your moldering belongings on the front lawn, you’ll be glad you have someone to call.