pathetic

i haven't heard from you in what feels like days...

i've complained about you texting rather than calling

but i miss the buzz buzz of my blackberry with your incoming message

i should just text you

but i'm awfully stubborn

is this some sort of test?

am i passing or failing?

this is what our life will be like for 11 weeks in a few short weeks

i promise i'm going to hate it

i don't think i'll ever complain about you texting instead of calling again

i swear i don't think about it this much when i'm busy

do you think about me when you're bored too?



readers, if there are any, i apologize for all the commentary on this certain someone, i'll try to find something else to talk about next time

mmhhmm

it's saturday night.

i'm home. alone.

the house is pretty quiet. save the doggies yapping at passerby's.

i've just finished preparing the bulk of my lesson for relief society tomorrow.

i haven't heard from him at all today, but i won't give in to initiating the conversation. this may be the 21st century, but i'm an old fashioned kind of girl.

i don't have plans for this evening.

i could have gone to the beach or "out in LA."

call me anti-social -- i dare you.

my car needs gas. i could use some fuel as well.

here's another article to ponder:

Not caring what other people think has become uncomfortably fashionable. It is an admirable sentiment when expressed by people who work for an honorable but unpopular cause, like civil rights. It carries less weight when you’re on a date with someone who insists on picking her teeth in public.

Having ignored etiquette for most of their lives, freewheeling sorts aren’t quite sure how to make a favorable impression when the time comes. ‘Women make no sense,’ a man sighs after wheedling a woman’s phone number out of her and then finding that she won’t pick up the phone. ‘Men can be such jerks,’ a woman complains when the object of her affection says he’ll talk to her soon and doesn’t call. ‘Dating is a pain! Why can’t everyone just be upfront?’

Because, my love, upfront is painful when you’re on the receiving end. It’s easier to give a persistent fellow your number and ignore a ringing phone than it is to tell him that he’s old enough to be your father.

The alternative to being upfront, or doing what comes naturally, is doing what is expected of you. This is more work, but less solitary. There are guidelines that make courtship and relationships easier for everyone. Let’s review them, shall we?

DATING ETIQUETTE

1. Call only once.

When you’ve first met someone, it is impolite to make more than one attempt to contact him or her without reciprocation. This rule is so widely ignored that you may be incredulous at the suggestion. ‘But, but, but…’ you stammer, ‘What if the message never got passed on? What if the answering machine is broken? Maybe the email program was acting up.’

Yes. However, the most polite way for this person to express disinterest in your amorous attentions is to avoid contact. When you call repeatedly, or send multiple emails, you force the object of your affections to find a more personal, painful way to shake you loose. Like telling you she’s not into skinny guys.

2. If you asked, you pay.

If the date was your idea, it is also your financial responsibility. Ladies, I don’t care what your mother told you about it being the man’s job to pay. She also told you that you were never supposed to ask a man out, so you do the math.

In ambiguous situations, the gentleman traditionally pays. The lady is expected to share expenses by offering to cook meals or pack a picnic. She’s also supposed to express enthusiastic interest in free or inexpensive activities, and find ‘extra tickets’ to concerts and events she’d especially like to attend.

3. Don’t force intimacy.

Note how your date is avoiding eye contact, how he has shredded an entire napkin and is now rearranging the torn bits into ever-shifting shapes. Perhaps the first date was a little soon to share the details of your sex life, how your last boyfriend treated you, and what your therapist thinks about it. Mystery is attractive; your daddy complex is less so.

4. Coo with caution.

Sweet nothings are so named because they contain no startling information. Fantasies about your future together are romantic; fantasies about her best friend in a bikini are not.

5. Even affairs have codes of conduct.

Speaking of that best friend, if you plan to engage in romantic activity outside the bounds of your relationship, it is unacceptable to confide in friends. This puts them in the awkward position of being an accomplice, and jeopardizes your new partner’s anonymity. It is also rude to generate evidence of your tryst in the form of love letters, emails, obviously romantic gifts, or condom wrappers.

6. Guard private information.

You may not publicly complain that your boyfriend doesn’t wear underwear on Sundays. In exchange, he will refrain from revealing that you call him Cowboy when you’re drunk.

7. Be respectful of time.

Check with your significant other before scheduling an event, and don’t ask with interested parties in the room. Presented with, ‘Honey, Mark here would like to know if we want to go out to dinner tonight. Doesn’t that sound fantastic?’ your darling doesn’t have the option of responding, ‘Well, no, actually. I rather dislike Mark.’

8. Don’t use jokes to camouflage rancor.

‘I was joking!’ is never a good defense, as intent is immaterial when it comes to wounded feelings. When he wants a big-screen TV and she reminds him of the night he said size didn’t matter, only he may decide whether the comment is amusing or hurtful.

9. Avoid amorous competition.

It’s improper to express anything but delight at your beloved’s accomplishments, even if you’ve just lost a sailboat race to her.

10. Quaint can be endearing.

A few romantic niceties to help things along: On a sidewalk, men properly walk nearest the street. They follow women to their table at a restaurant (presuming that the host or hostess is showing you to your seat), but precede her in a crowd to clear the way, and take the lead down flights of stairs to act as a pillowy man-cushion if she should trip. They open and close her car door (whether or not she is driving), hold open restaurant doors, and hold out chairs. Advanced chivalries include rising from your seat when a lady stands to powder her nose, slightly raising your hat in greeting on the street, and dueling to the death when someone insults her honor. Perhaps nowadays you can get away with simply slapping the offender with your leather driving gloves. Times are changing.

WHAT’S MORE

Obviously, there is no polite way to rummage through someone else’s stuff, yell, curse, slam doors, or throw things. In light of this, a lady does not throw that cheating bastard’s belongings on the front lawn. She places them there, gently, and then forgets to turn off the automatic sprinklers.

And while you’re busy being perfectly polite to each other, remember those around you as well. Don’t assume that your roommates don’t mind having your girlfriend around all the time. Don’t cling to one another at parties as though your friends aren’t worth talking to. Finally, never break an appointment with friends in favor of a date. When you find your moldering belongings on the front lawn, you’ll be glad you have someone to call.

the decade of decisions {3 articles on making decisions in your 20s}

on being young and dumb:
{found here}

When you’re young; you don’t have to make smart decisions to make sound decisions. You’re still mapping the territory, so failure is the quickest route between idiocy and enlightenment.

I recommend reading the whole Mighty Girl post that was taken from. It's not your typical girly "20 Things I Wish I'd Known at 20" post, I promise. It's wisdom, or it's certainly something to think about.

I really think that decision making is what makes or breaks you in your 20s, and what sets the stage for the rest of your life. Personally, I would always rather try something than not. I remember one of my best friends, Justin, saying to me once (when discussing our tattoos), "I don't want to die without a few scars." I couldn't agree more. That said, I've certainly made my share of epicly bad decisions. Most of the time I feel like I'm being pulled away from a conservative, safe life by the appetite of my heart. This is heavy on my mind lately as I watch my friends and myself go through a time of big decisions and, in my case, of learning to gracefully accept decisions that aren't yours to make.

I don't ever feel like I can go to anyone for advice, so I'm happy this post found its way to me. Some of the points are things I've learned on my own in the past couple years, but some I feel like I'll never learn.

I have felt a change within myself lately, an urgency to focus my attention on the life I want. When I set my mind on something I am unstoppable, and I know it's now or never. Start my career, direct a film, start dancing again, have a meaningful, healthy romantic relationship. Those are my honest goals, and while I can't make them all happen, I can put myself in the right places physically and mentally to facilitate them. If I mess up, it won't be the first time and it won't be the end of the world.

Man, I feel the fire. I feel a ferocity bubbling up from my core, an old friend I haven't seen in a long time. I guess sometimes it's good to hear that it's okay to take risks and make mistakes. As difficult as it can be, we only get one shot at being young and dumb.

20 things i wish i'd known at 20:
{found here}

When you’re young; you don’t have to make smart decisions to make sound decisions. You’re still mapping the territory, so failure is the quickest route between idiocy and enlightenment.

These are a few of the lessons I wish I’d started learning a little earlier. I haven’t mastered them yet, but now you get a head start.

1. Consider the source. If you’re worried about someone who dislikes you, first ask yourself whether they’re an asshole. If you don’t like them, and they don’t like you, that’s not a problem. That’s a mutual understanding.

2. Get off the couch. If you find yourself playing hard to get, don’t pretend to be busy. Just be busy.

3. Don’t waste your time. If you have to play hard to get, move on. You’ll know when you’ve found a healthy relationship because it won’t confuse you.

4. When in doubt, shut up. Silence is a smart negotiation tactic, the best option when you’re processing how to respond, and always more productive than lying about what you’re thinking.

5. Don’t complain. Maybe venting makes you feel better, but letting off steam can also lull you into maintaining the status quo. Unfortunately, the status quo is pissing you off, which is why you’re whining in the first place. If you’re frustrated, turn that energy toward fixing your problems, not bitching about them.

6. Don’t obsess. Worrying is complaint’s ugly cousin. Either use that energy to change your situation, or relax.

7. Find an age-appropriate style. No one wants to see a 20 year old in beige slacks and a wool blazer. Buy trendy clothes, wear the slutty dress, do something ugly with your hair. Be part of your generation, so you can laugh at the photos later.

8. Be polite. It keeps doors open, lessens the potential for misunderstandings, and increases the odds of getting invited back to the beach house.

9. But defend your boundaries. When someone isn’t taking no for an answer, clarify what you want, and then respond forcefully. Being polite to someone who isn’t hearing you is naive.

10. You look good. There’s no such thing as the hottest person in the room. Everyone is attracted to something different, so just take those odds and run with them.

11. Being nice is overrated. In fact, “nice” is the least interesting thing someone can say about you.

12. Keep it to yourself. “She seems nice” is an excellent thing to say about someone you don’t like. Particularly in the company of people you don’t know.

13. Know your audience. When you’re telling a story and someone interrupts you, let them.

14. Let your passion shape your profession. You know that thing your dad says? “If work wasn’t hard, they wouldn’t pay you to do it.” Please. There are professional rock stars, astronauts, puppy trainers, and bloggers.

15. Sex is personal. Don’t bother with one-night stands if they’re not your thing, and don’t judge people for enjoying them (or not). Waiting to sleep with someone doesn’t make you an uptight prude, and jumping into bed doesn’t make you a spontaneous adventure seeker.

16. Focus. The saying, “what you’re thinking about is what you’re becoming” isn’t just chilling, it’s a universal law. Be aware of how you’re investing your attention – including your words, and your actions.

17. Cut yourself a break. Don’t offer a running commentary on your own faults. When you do, the people around you listen. Give yourself space to change your character.

18. Don’t be intimidated. World travelers are just people who bought plane tickets. Pulitzer Prize winners are people who sit alone and write. You can break the most profound accomplishment down to a series of mundane tasks.

19. Choose good company. Ask yourself if a person makes you better or drains your life force. If the answer is B, you’re busy next time they call. And the time after that.

20. Enjoy your body. Odds are you’re more beautiful now than you will be again. Ask your roommate.

my thoughts on making an important decision in the near future:

I decided a long time ago I wanted to marry a man in the temple, a worthy priesthood holder and a return missionary. Someone I could love and look up to, raise children and spend eternity with.
My patriarchal blessing expresses that when I am living in righteousness I will meet and fall in love with a man who is all these things. I understand that these blessings are conditional, and I know that I am not perfect and sometimes unworthy of blessings pronounced upon me at almost 16 years old. I sometimes wonder if I've missed out on these blessings and opportunities because of choices I have made.
I'm 23 now, young in society and old in the church to be single. I'm feeling the pressures of needing to get married by my friends and family. I want to get married, but my patriarchal blessing indicates that I'm not quite ready -- I want to be ready. I want the blessings I've been promised to unfold. I know that through the Atonement, I can become ready.
I might just be missing one small detail, the one to get married to. The one I want right now, probably isn't the one HF wants for me, he isn't ready yet either, he isn't the one my patriarchal blessing describes, not right now anyway. I want him to know the things that I know, I want them to be a reality in his life too, but I don't know how to tell him the things that I have desired for so many years, because he's not them, I don't want to hurt him, but I'm sure he kind of already knows. In recent counsel I have read I should actually sever all ties with him. I've tried that before too.
So why the debate? Am I this dumb?
I know he has the potential to become a man I could marry in the temple. I would love for him to be that guy. I might not get the returned missionary out of him, but I could sacrifice that for what I think I want -- which is him.
Or I could get my own act together to reach my potential so I can have what HF has in store for me.
My heart and my head flip flop between the options.
If I tell him these things I have been feeling, try to sever all ties, will it break his heart? Turn him further from the Church? Because I am "close-minded?" Brainwashed? And have blind faith? Or will he understand and support me? Will he want to change for me? Or will he let me go because he's unwilling to change, for us? Will he want what is best for me, even if it's not him? Am I worth it for him? I don't want him to change for me, per se, but I want to be an example and an inspiration for him to want to change. If I end up with him, will we be happy? Will we have a successful marriage and family. Will we compromise and work together? Will I be happy, safe, loved, protected, encouraged, respected? Can he do those things for me? If my course is meant to be with someone else, will I always wonder what my life could have been with him?
It's like my own personal Notebook. I found love with someone at a young age, someone "unworthy" of me, my Noah, we were ripped apart for various reasons and circumstances. I find love again (HF's choice, my parents choice, my Lon). He can give me what i want and need, we prepare to get married, everything is in order and good, and "Noah" comes back into the picture. I question the right and good. I explore what my life could be with "Noah." He was my first love, and I have always wondered what we could be together. Allie chooses Noah, should she have chosen Lon instead?
Who will I choose?