i'm that girl

a tale about me and the game

when you are trying to go from "just friends" to "in a relationship" you are automatically dealt into this unspoken GAME. the only rules are "house rules," so inevitably everyone plays a little different, but the objective is the same.

i was recently dealt a hand in the game with a guy from work. he was attractive kind, and clearly interested. i was openly flirtatious and was even teased about it by co-workers.

i met him on the job, obviously a couple of months ago and since our company is fairly large and we all travel we've only worked together a total of 4 or 5 times. the 2nd time we worked together there was obviously some connection of mutual affection, he even talk about us hanging out outside of work that day. i didn't reject the idea but who knew when the next time i would work together with him and he hadn't asked for my number either -- so i would rely on the fate of scheduling to bring us back together.

the anticipation and absence between corresponding schedules heightened my "work crush" on him. eventually we were scheduled to work together twice in one week. we flirted, he mentioned his excitement at seeing our names together on the schedule, we ate lunch together, etc. during this week we were working together on a thursday, the day our schedule is supposed to be posted online and my last day of work for the weekend. the following week of work was also his last week of work because he would be returning to alabama for school the week after that. the full schedule was not posted before we left from work and he again didn't ask for my number... i wasn't sure i would ever see him again. the combination of the unknown and the anticipation of the schedule being posted again heightened my "work crush" on him. all weekend i thought that maybe he'd get my number from someone at work, but very few had it so that being a likely possibility was slim to none.

alas, the schedule is posted and we were scheduled to work together at the chino studio on a wednesday. i get to work that morning full of excitement, but a little off my game, i had a rough morning. he noticed. we decided to grab dinner together after work, marking in our last time working together and our first date. he snagged my digits during the work day and we proceeded to islands after our shifts ended. he was polite and flirtacious, he paid for dinner, and i had a nice time. i wasn't sure if i wanted our date to end after dinner so we ultimately decided to run to b&n because i wanted to grab a book to read. then we sat and talked for a long time. he pretty much professed his love for me and i was unable to. i thought that it was mostly because i'm afraid to talk about my feelings, but i thought it was sweet. i had realized before this time that his like for me was stronger than my like for him... after we said our goodbyes i had a kind of pit in my stomach... our feelings were definitely not mutual and i thought that if i never heard from him i would be A-OK! these were not good feelings to have toward a person that you just had a first date with and sort of led him to believe that you liked him. but i honestly didn't know i didn't like him until after we were apart. i felt like such a jerk!!

i still feel like a jerk, he texts me and i don't text back and i basically threw my hand of cards at him into a game of 52 card pick up...


i know just how he feels, to text and not get a response, i wish he would read into it and give it up, but he's too nice and i'm not so nice -- i tried to tell him that on the phone tonight. it started to sound like he got it, but i dont know...

i like the chase, i like to be chased

i want what i can't have

i don't want what i've got

i don't know if i'll ever be satisfied...